PainIsMistress (Poem)

I live in a world within my own head,
Eternal shadows and bloody wounds.
Inside I feel so cold and dead,
But at least the pain I am familiar with.

So I hide here within my world inside,
Where it always rains and everything is a façade.
Forgetting a time before inside I died,
China doll face streaked by blood and tears.

Queen with her crown of thorns, forever she breaks.
Always she falls and drowns in their own pool of blood.
Take and take,
Too scared to ever unfreeze her heart and give.

So beautiful and dark, that cold unfeeling smile
As she rips you asunder. She enjoys your pain
And your cries as all the while
She is dying inside.

She smiles sweetly in her world of paper flowers,
Running away from anything that could heal.
Screaming and dying inside,
Dying to feel.

To remember what it is like to feel anything
Other than cold and a want to hurt others so they feel like me.
As I try to pull myself out of my vicious cycle
I find I am blind and cannot see

What is going on around me. I cannot find my heart
Underneath all of these layers of ice.
And I hear water and I feel the shell shock of emotion,
And I rip myself apart

Trying to run from this new feeling. Fear.
I want it and yet also hate it, and I remember why I froze in the first place.
All the things I ever hold dear
Are ripped from my arms.

I want to grip the knife and draw along the lines
To remember what it is to feel.
So many of my memories I pretend never happened, I never face the pain.
How much of it was real?

Living in my world of masks and a paper sun,
I am my own worst enemy.
The dark side of enjoys having fun
With the hearts of others

And I hate myself as I smile as I rip their hearts to shreds.
This didn't used to be me.
I have changed.
Will I ever be free

From my own self? Can I ever pull myself
From the demonic nature I was born with within?
Or will I always be the yin-yang. The child of Isis and Anubis.
Perhaps I meant to always walk the line of holy and sin.

I scream as my dual nature battles once again.
I want to run, to be safe.
My blood is boiling underneath of my skin,
The fire behind my eyes is back and burns hotter than ever.

Will it consume me?
Yea, I am crazy. Just listen to my mumblings.
Look into my eyes and see
The nothingness and the dark behind them.

I am clawing from the inside out because my walls are falling,
I am feeling again.
Bursts of emotions. Terrifying me.
Is this the end?

Will my heart be free?
Never again. But it may come out for vacation at times.
To win the heart of me
Is the greatest prize you can ever get.

But actually being able to obtain true love from me...
Is like trying to fly without a parachute.
It's almost impossible. And I will smile as I rip you to pieces.
Only one man can set me free

From my own self.